office humor

Saturday, September 12, 2009
Deep Thoughts about Work...

DOPELAR EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late for work.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Do I look like a freaking' people person?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
"Illegitimate Non Carborundum Est." - Never let the bastards grind you down!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clean desk is also a sign of a SICK mind!

The trouble with work is... it's so daily!

I'm not messy, I'm differently organized!

This isn't an office -- It's HELL with fluorescent lighting!

No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame.

I work 40 hours a week to be THIS poor?!

And just how may I screw you over today?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I thought I wanted a career, it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Signs You're Burned Out Because Of Work

You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."

Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, you bitch!"

Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

You wake up, only to discover that your bed is on fire, but you go back to sleep because you just don't care anymore.

You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

You have so much on your mind, you forget to eat.

Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager or cell phone will go off before the alarm does.

You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail.

You can achieve a "runners high" by sitting up.

The sun is too loud.

Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

You and reality file for divorce.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

You can travel without moving.

Aspirin & antacid tablets have become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for a week.

You are missing several days from this week.

Trees begin to chase you.

You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You wonder if brewing is *really* a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

You can hear mimes.

Things become "very clear." Everything is "very clear, indeed."

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

Things to ponder

Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

It's always darkest just before dawn... so if you're going to steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult... that it can't be blamed on someone else

Mistakes on a resume

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."


"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."


"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."


"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."


"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typing Award."


"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."


"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."


"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."


"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fidget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation." 
Want a day off work?

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!