adult jokes

Saturday, September 12, 2009
I didnt know weather to put this in the free irish jokes page or the free adult jokes page

7 English men and and Irish man in a rape line up.

The victim walks in and paddy steps forward and shouts..

Yeah thats her the miserable twat.

Free redneck joke

A redneck takes his daughter to the doctors after she complains of morning sickness.

The doctor says is your daughter sexually active

is she fuck he says. she just lies there like her mother.

Free nun joke

2 nuns driving thru the jungle when a bunch of natives stop the car with pointed guns.

Show them were Gods women No effect.

Show them the Bible. Still no effect.

Show them your cross


funny free dirty slut joke

Lady goes to Grocers for a cucumber do you want that sliced love said the man.

what for says the lady its a fanny ive got not a fucking slot machine

funny free little jonny joke

Little Jonny says to his mam,is it ok to have a willy

Yes said his mum why do you ask

Cos my dads upstairs sweating like mad trying to pull his off

adult free joke

Old man goes to the doctors. Doctor i think my wife is dead

Why do you think that replies the doctor

well the sex is the same but the ironing is stacking up.

Bridgened free joke

went into halfords in Bridgend today to buy a tow rope........? and they asked what collar size i was

dating agency free joke

The girl from the dating agency called me to get some personal details last week. I told her iam 6ft2, look like brad pit, millionaire, and have a 12"inch dick, She replied fuck off ill call you back when you are not with your mates

Dirty Cow free joke

Sharon and Sandra left the pub pissed, Sharon said ive called a taxi but it hasnt turned up, Sandra said leave it to me, Sharon turned round and there was Sandra under a cow sucking one of its teats. Sharon says what are you doing. Sandra replied sucking one of these four blockes off he might have a car and give us a lift home.

Your Mama Jokes

Your mama so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed.

Yo mama so fat she put mayonaise on her asprin.

Your mama so ugly she made an onion cry

Your mama so dumb, she called the operator to see how long it takes to get from London to New paris, the operator said "just a minuite", she said "Thank you". and hung up the phone.

Your mama so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world

Little Jonny free Joke

The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina. She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis." Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher." Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" asked the teacher. My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with

Another free Little Jonny Joke

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it. I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My dad gave me a watch to get rid of me. replied the little friend. Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom. What do you want!", asked his dad. I want a watch! said Johnny.

Well sit down and shut the fuck up, replied his dad

Your mama's So Fat... Joke

Your Mama is so fat that she got baptized at Sea World!

Your Mama's So Fat...Joke

Your mama's so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.

Your mama's...Old joke

Your Mama is so old, when I told her to act her age she died.

Your mama's...Bus joke

Your Mama is like a bus, she's big she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride.

Loving Wife free joke

An elderly man is on his death bed although he can feel the end is near, he smells a lovely aroma and realises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favourite cakes, he finds the strength to drag his knackered body to the kitchen, as his frail withered hand reaches up to the table, he suddenly feel the whack of a wooden spoon as his wife barks FUCK OFF THEY ARE FOR THE FUNERAL

Inteligent Women free joke

Scientists have discovered that most women will at sometime contain inteligent DNA. Unfortunatley most of them spit it out.

free Dirty Bitch joke

A geordie guy meets a woman, on the first date they go for a drink, later on in the car she says i want you to kiss me somewhere dirty and smelly. Fuck that he said iam not driving to middlesbrough this time at night.

Clock free joke

A man shouts to his wife. come here and look at my clock. she walk in to find him naked with a hard on. she says thats not a clock, he replies it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

Relative Humidity free joke

The teacher asked science class what is Relative Humidity Jonny the geordie answers. its the sweat you get on your bollox when your riding your cousin

free Sick cat Joke

Whats black and white and starving..??

Keith leadgers cat..

Funny quotes

Funny Quotes

On one issue at least men and women agree:

They both distrust women.

- H.L. Mencken

Borrow money from pessimists.

They don’t expect it back.

- Steven Wright

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

- Dave Barry

Always be sincere,

even if you don’t mean it.

- Harry S. Truman

Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead.

- Benjamin Franklin

One of the problems of taking things apart and seeing how they work -

supposing you’re trying to find out how a cat works–you take that cat apart

to see how it works, what you’ve got in your hands is a non-working cat. The

cat wasn’t a sort of clunky mechanism that was susceptible to our available

tools of analysis.

- Douglas Adams

Never play cat and mouse games if you’re a mouse.

- Don Addis

“It�s a funny thing about free speech: It can�t be just for your political friends. If freedom means anything, it is the one valuable gift you have to give to your worst enemies, in order to keep it for yourself.”

- Doug Christie

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”

- Scott Adams, American cartoonist; creator of �Dilbert�

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that

heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but

‘That’s funny…’”

- Isaac Asimov

office humor

Deep Thoughts about Work...

DOPELAR EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late for work.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Do I look like a freaking' people person?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
"Illegitimate Non Carborundum Est." - Never let the bastards grind you down!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clean desk is also a sign of a SICK mind!

The trouble with work is... it's so daily!

I'm not messy, I'm differently organized!

This isn't an office -- It's HELL with fluorescent lighting!

No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame.

I work 40 hours a week to be THIS poor?!

And just how may I screw you over today?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I thought I wanted a career, it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Signs You're Burned Out Because Of Work

You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."

Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, you bitch!"

Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

You wake up, only to discover that your bed is on fire, but you go back to sleep because you just don't care anymore.

You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

You have so much on your mind, you forget to eat.

Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager or cell phone will go off before the alarm does.

You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail.

You can achieve a "runners high" by sitting up.

The sun is too loud.

Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

You and reality file for divorce.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

You can travel without moving.

Aspirin & antacid tablets have become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for a week.

You are missing several days from this week.

Trees begin to chase you.

You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You wonder if brewing is *really* a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

You can hear mimes.

Things become "very clear." Everything is "very clear, indeed."

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

Things to ponder

Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

It's always darkest just before dawn... so if you're going to steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult... that it can't be blamed on someone else

Mistakes on a resume

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."


"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."


"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."


"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."


"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typing Award."


"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."


"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."


"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."


"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fidget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation." 
Want a day off work?

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

kids jokes

Winning Run

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.

"So, how did you do, son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Long Time No Sex

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.

"How did I gethere, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief.

"Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

Letters to God

A Nun asked her class to write a note to God...........

Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones You have? Johnny

Dear GOD: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It worked with my brother. Larry

Dear GOD: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Mickey

Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

Dear GOD: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? Jane

Dear GOD: I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison

Dear GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Lucy

Dear GOD: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita

Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil

Dear GOD: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. Darla

Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Dear GOD: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD: If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. Denise

Dear GOD: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Dear GOD: You don't have to worry about me, I always look both ways. Dean

Dear GOD: I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth

Dear GOD: I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. Elliott

Dear GOD: Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. Rob

Dear GOD: My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? Marsha

Dear GOD: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. Sara

Child Saying Grace
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

God Is Not Deaf
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs,


His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

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